Sailor
Moon is copyright Naoko Takeuchi and all other companies. MST3K belongs to Best
Brains Inc. Any random mention of songs, quotes, etc. are property of the money
making machines that put them out. You probably shouldn’t sue me because all
you’d be getting is one Rayearth manga, a Slayers Try video and some anime
cards.
This story does not belong to me, it is the property of
the author. I don’t intend to insult or cut down the author (even though it
might seem like I am.) If any of you readers know this person and know that
he/she wants it taken down, feel free to e-mail me. I apologize in advance if
this offends anyone. (wouldn’t I make a great corporate lawyer?)
So basically, I don’t own squat, I’m a poor Chinese high
school student, I’m sorry for offending anyone (even though you should get your
ass outta here if you don’t like this kinda stuff), and I did this out of sheer
boredom instead of doing a project assigned to us for the summer.
Warning: I’ve not seen a
single episode of MST3K. So beware of inconsistencies galore! Okay, on with the
MST!
"Important TAFE meeting....
urgent...hmm, I wonder what's wrong..." muttered Grace as she walked
slowly down the hall reading the notice sent to her 5th period class. Grace's
head snapped up at some yelling going on down the hallway.
"Yes! I got outta computer!!!
Kick ASS!!! WOO HOO!!! This is so great! I'm the king, er, queen of the wor--
oh hi Grace... What are you doing here?" giggled Lori, slightly out of
breath.
"Figures it'd end up this way...
the first time I see you in weeks and you've gone insane..." said Grace.
"Yeah, well...." said Lori,
blushing, " So, what are you doing out here in this lovely hallway?"
Grace held up her notice. "I've
got a TAFE thing to go to. Funny, I
remember Mr. Smith having a 5th period...."
"Well, I've got a Japanese Club thing to go to. Funny, I'm not an officer of that
club...."
Grace paled and stopped. Why did these
things always happen to her? Just then, Mr. Smith, AKA Bob, TAMLOD, AKA TOOG,
walked by.
Lori screamed. Grace cried. And Mr.
Smith dropped his coffee.
"Bob! Please have mercy on our
souls! Not another MST! I BEG YOU!" Lori sobbed.
"Lori, please get off the
floor." muttered Grace. "Mr. Smith, what are you doing here? Aren't
you supposed to be in some head of lettuce or some pop-up screen to scare the
crap out of us?"
"Nah, you guys get a new
tormentor. Apparently, the all mighty counsel of darkness (TAMCOD) thought that
I wasn't doing a good enough job of making you break. So you get a new Lord of
Darkness assigned to you." replied Mr. Smith.
"Remind me to send them a fruit
basket." muttered Lori.
Grace groaned, "Why do I get the
feeling you're going to be eating those words...."
~MSTing
HQ~
"Well, at least I'm out of
computer!" Lori said rather bubbly, to the annoyance of Grace.
"You really think that the next
Bob is going to be any better than the last?" Grace asked
incredulously."
"I don't know, maybe I'm just
sanguine today." said Lori, smiling.
"THAT
SMILE WON'T LAST LONG GRUNTS!"
The two girls shrieked, startled by
the sudden noise, and hid behind the couch.
"WELL,
NICE TO SEE YOU TWO! HMM, I SEE THIS WILL BE AN EASY JOB, THAT LAST BOB, WHAT A
JOKE!"
"That voice..... it's like...
familiar..." Lori said, peeking over the couch to catch a glimpse of the
face on the floating screen.
"NOOOOOOOO!!! The fates are so cruel!!!!"
While Lori was busy damning the fates,
Grace also stole a glance at the floating screen with the new Bob ranting about
how much the old Bob sucked.
"You're the new Bob?!" Grace
blurted out. "But, you're a woman!"
Bob, the omnipotent mighty lord of
darkness (TOMLOD), aka Ms. Bell, the overlord of global history (TOOGH),
stopped in her ranting to assess her new grunts.
"YOU,"
she bellowed, pointing through the screen at Lori, "TELL ME WHAT PORCELAIN IS!"
Lori stuttered, cowering behind Grace,
" It's... a.. a.. c..ceramic?"
"WRONG!
PORCELAIN IS A CERAMIC MADE OUT OF FINE WHITE POWDER FOUND IN CHINA! YOU DON'T
GET ANY POINTS FOR YOUR DISCUSSION GRADE THAT'S WORTH HALF OF YOUR GRADE! MWA
HAHAHAHAHA. NOW, GET TO YOUR MST GRUNTS! I EXPECT NOTES ON THE STORY. AFTER
YOU'RE DONE, YOU'RE TAKING A TEST THAT'S PURELY OBJECTIVE WITH 3 ESSAY
QUESTIONS!"
The screen blipped out and Grace was
left, comforting the crying Lori who kept repeating: I said ceramic! You heard
me right Grace?....
"Come on Lori, we might as well
get on to the MST....."
Both:
We have fanfiction sign!
DOORS:
door
1: You stand in front of a door made of burned CDs. You sweatdrop and realize
that Lori's been spending too much time with her new CD burner and then you
move on.
door
2: It is a parent waiver form for the Bellaire Anime Club. You mutter something
about bureaucracy and red tape and move on.
door
3: It is the hardest SAT math problem you've ever seen. You run screaming from
the door.
door
4: It's a big, soft, fluffy pillow, with
little....white...frills...zzzzzzzz......
door
5: After being awakened rudely by Lori and Grace pushing you off the pillow so
they can get some sleep, you move to the next door and find a wonderful world
history project blown up to 400 times it's normal size. You bravely face the
project and burn it to ashes with your handy dandy lighter. You feel much
better and enter through the singed doorway.
Lori:
I can't believe we have to sit through this crap again.
Grace:
That's weird.
Lori:
Hm? What is?
Grace:
You're missing your little copyright circle on your statement.
Lori:
Oh, yeah, Alisa wanted the MST on notepad so we don't get those fancy shmansy
thingies.
Grace:
Oh, okies. So what kind of MST do we have today?
Lori:
Sailor Moon Sappy.
Grace:
::groans:: Well, at least it's not that weird one with the digimon/pokemon
cross over.
"
The Chocolate Shake"
Grace:
::singing:: Shake shake shake....
This
story was written by: ~Angel-Girlie~
Disclaimers:
I don't own Sailor Moon
Lori:
As always, author-san, I'm shocked and appalled!
,
and I have no money. So please
don't
sue me!
Author's
notes: Hey minna! Please enjoy, and E-mail me with you're
comments!
Grace:
Note to self, prepare e-mail bomb....
This
is my first attempt at a fanfic. Please be nice unless you
really
think mean stuff will help. :)
Lori:
::evil cackle::
Legend:
Grace:
Ah! Geography! Take me back TAMLOD!!!!!
Lori:
....of Zelda... number 24: Link must save the world from the falling sky...
"" = talking
>< = Thoughts
* * = Time or change of scene
AN. = Author's notes
Now
on with the show!!!!!!!!
Lori:
We don't have to if you don't want to....
*****************************************************************
Grace:
Wow, that's one long line of protesters...
"
You're the one who got us in this mess in the first place, Meatball
Head!"
Lori:
<as meatball head> You're one to talk, pizza face!
"
What? You conceited jerk; this is your fault!"
"
I don't think so! Who started this in the first place? You did with
your
stupid shake!"
"
I did not! You startled me! It is not my fault it spilled all over
us!"
Serena
by this point was steamed.
Grace:
...because of the brain power the yelling took...
Lori:
The dark side of thinking...
Not
only was she locked in a closet
of
the Arcade with Darien, but also she was covered in her own chocolate
shake.
Lori:
::sits there gawking at the screen::
Grace:
What's up?
Lori:
The... the grammar's correct! It's a miracle!
Grace:
Maybe the new Bob isn't as great a TOMLOD as she thinks she is. This'll be a
breeze Lori!
******************************Flash
Back*********************************
Grace:
Do you think that means we're going to the past?
Lori:
We could be going back to the future...
"Here
ya go Serena!" " Thanks, Andrew" said Serena as she eyed her
chocolate
shake with glee. Then out of no where
she heard the ever
annoying
voice of Darien say, "Hey, Meatball Head, if you klutz out now you'll
lose
your shake!"
Lori:
<as Serena> I'll never lose my shake! Not you, not Jimmy will ever take
it away from me!
Grace:
<as a mad scientist> Quiet you fool! I must collect her shaking in this
bottle! Mwa hahaha! I will surely be given a grant for discovering the secret
behind blond haired blue-eyed girls in Japan!
Serena
turned around, shake still in hand, expecting
Darien
to be by the door of the Arcade. Instead she found him inches
away
from her face making a horrible face at her.
Lori:
And my mom is always accusing ME of being deaf...
Of
course this scared
Serena
silly, so she screamed.
Grace:
Naturally...
While
screaming she moved her hands to
cover
her eyes dropping her shake all over herself and Darien.
Lori:
I call points off!
Grace:
::rereading the paragraph:: Why?
Lori:
Either Serena and Darien are really short, or that was a big shake. How can she
drop the shake and have it splash "all over" the both of them?
Grace:
Maybe she did it on purpose to get into the closet with Darien...
Lori:
O.o... Damn, chalk one up for the horny Japanese girls!
"AAAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"
Serena screamed as the shake spilled on
her
chilling her to the bone. "AHAHAAHHHAHAHHHHH!" Darien responded as
the
cold liquid flew on him as well.
Grace:
AAAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! Grace screamed as she read the part where Serena
screamed over and over again.
Lori:
AHAHAAHHHAHAHHHHH! Lori responded as she realized the lunacy of Darien's
laughing after getting soaked in shake.
" You STUPID IDIOT! You scared
me!"
"What?
You STUPID KLUTZ, You spilled all over the place!"
"THAT'S
IT! I'VE HAD IT!" Andrew looked completely pissed off as he
Lori:
...realized that EVERYONE was STRESSING the CAPITALIZED words in their sentences...
grabbed
them both. He the proceeded to throw them in a closet, and yelled,
"Settle
you're differences NOW! You're not getting out until you do!"
Andrew
then locked the close.
Grace:
Rather than locking the open because as we all know, that would be illogical...
Lori:
....cover powder (by Cover girl) in a box so that no one would really know his
deepest darkest secret....
Serena
yelled at Darien as the lock clicked, " YOU IDIOT!"
Lori:
<as Serena> How could you let that scrawny arcade boy throw the both of
us in here! Tuxedo Mask my ass!
Grace:
<as Serena>In the name of the moon, I shall right wrongs and triumph over
evil and that means you! ::points to the door while striking a pose::
Lori:
I can't believe you just did that.....
The
fight continued until the present.
************************End
Flash Back************************************
Serena
sat down on a box in the closet as far away from Darien as she
could
get.
Grace:
Then realizing that the closet was really small, she started to claw her way
out using her bare hands....
Lori:
Hi ho silver! Off into the sunset!
>
How am I going to get out of this? <
Lori:
I tend to do that too whenever we have a MST....
Serena was mumbling to herself when Darien
finally spoke up. " I'm sorry about scaring you,
and
being such a jerk to you, Serena."
Grace:
<as Serena> Oh Darien! You know what I just realized? I love you with all
my heart! Let's start kissing after I forgive you!
>
What? Not only was Darien apologizing he used her real name?! Wow! <
Lori:
AH HA! Yay! I found a syntax error! Ehem, ::begins to read from the cursed
Mantor Hall book ,home of all syntax afflictions:: when using "not
only" one also must include its partner "but also."
Grace:
That was quite possibly the pickiest rule I've ever heard....
"
It wasn't your entire fault, Darien. I'm sorry too,"
Grace:
Of course it's all his fault! Damn those men, always getting sympathy from
unsuspecting ditzes!
Lori:
::hums "Independent Women" in the background::
Darien stood up, and walked over to where
Serena was.
Lori:
...frantically trying to get out of the fic to avoid having to kiss Darien yet
again due to the lack of originality in all Sailor Moon Sappy fics...
He
offered her his hand as he said, "Friends?" Serena took it shyly,
and
said, "I guess." Silence continued as Darien helped Serena up to a
standing
position.
Grace:
I feel as if we're going up a slope on a roller coaster....
Lori:
Oh, you mean because you're gonna get sick pretty soon?
Grace:
::sweatdrops:: yeah... that too....
" Well, do you think Andrew will let us
out now?" Serena asked breaking the silence and tension.
Lori:
... with her handy-dandy S&T breaker!
Grace:
Have sticky situations that you just can't seem to get out of? Use the
handy-dandy S&T breaker for all your silence and tension needs! Comes in 4
different colors! Buy today!
" No, he'll wait for an hour
first." " What...What are we supposed to do?"
Grace:
What the hell?
Lori:
Isn't it obvious, one of them is schizophrenic.....
Darien
was staring intently at Serena as he thought, > oh, I have an idea or two.
<
Lori:
::gasps:: That's... impossible!
Grace:
Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a new runner in the race for the "I'm just
an innocent anime character but the evil author-san makes me think hentai
thoughts" award! I'm pleased to introduce the horny Japanese guys!
They
stood there in silence staring at each other getting closer by the second.
Grace:
Until they phased through each other, killing the both of them instantly...
Lori:
::pales:: You, you don't think the new Bob is that evil, do you?
>
Oh my god, he's leaning down. He's gonna kiss me! YES! NO! YES!
Shouted
her other half. <
Lori:
Aha! So Serena is the one with the voices in her head...
Grace:
Aha! I'm taking consistency points off!
Lori:
::tilts her head while looking at the screen:: For what Grace-chan? All I see
is the standard retarded sap....
Grace:
These "><" mean thoughts, so how can Serena be thinking
"shouted her other half"?
Lori:
Yeah, you know, I don't think she's smart enough for that....
Grace:
::sweatdrops:: yeah... that too....
Darien swiftly caught Serena's lips in a
Grace:
bear trap....
Lori:
<as Darien> Puahahaha! They'll
pay a pretty penny for these....
gentle
yet passionate kiss. Within seconds Serena responded wholeheartedly.
Darien
put his arms around her waist drawing her close as she put her arms
around
Darien's neck allowing greater security.
Grace::
<as Darien> ::choking and turning blue:: ....
Lori:
Introducing the Secure-o-matic 5.0! Live in a bad neighborhood? Dislike your
neighbors and want to scare them away? Have I got a product for you! The
Secure-o-matic utilizes the disgusting quality of people making out! All in the
comfort of your own home! Just place your Secure-o-matic on your front lawn or
wherever those pesky neighbors dwell and sit back and watch. Buy today! (comes only in the form of a tall
black-haired, blue-eyed Japanese guy with a short blonde, blue-eyed Japanese
girl. Engineered for your security!)
Darien gently prodded Serena's lips apart
with his
Lori:
...electronic cow prod....
Grace:
<as Darien> Let's see what all those sweets have done to your teeth young
lady... ::evil cackle::
tongue. As soon as Serena felt his tongue she froze.
Grace:
...and Darien was stuck for the rest of the story with his tongue frozen to a
block of ice....
> NO! NO! I want that to happen only if he
loves me! <
Lori:
::sings:: What's love got to do with it, got to do with it....
She
pulled back immediately shocking Darien back to reality. He stood there
shocked
for a moment as Serena backed away eyes wide.
Grace:
So you’re saying when Serena pulled away, Darien was standing there in reality
while Serena was pulling away which shocked him….
Lori:
Ack! Horrible flashback of Waiting for Godot! Must… stop.. repetitive…
repeating… of… scenes…..
" Oh, Serena, I'm sorry. I shouldn't
have down
Lori:
..-ed that strange drink that this genki otaku gave me…
Grace:
::sings:: makin’ a lil’ love.. get down tonight…
that."
His voice was husky from the passion still flowing through him.
Grace:
Woah, Lori, you’re freaking me out with your ESP….
Lori:
Kids, let this be a lesson to you. Never take strange drinks from anime otakus.
Chances are that they just want to make you do hentai things…
Grace:
Just say no.
" You're DAMN right you shouldn't have.
Don't kiss me, Darien, unless you mean it!" Serena then turned her back on
him wiping tears from her eyes at her realization
Lori:
…that she was stuck with the fic like the rest of us….
Grace:
…that she really was an intelligent girl and she didn’t need the shallow love
of a man…
Lori:
::hums Independent Women in the background::
.
> Oh god, I love him! What am I going to do? <
Grace:
Hey, if you’re not sure little Serena-mind-chan, why don’t you just kiss him
and make out for an hour?
Lori:
::turns green:: Eeew…. how… how could you say such a thing?!
Grace:
I figure if author-san is gonna have em spit swapping anyway, might as well get
it over with…
Lori:
O.o
By
this time Darien had recovered from the shock enough to think about her words.
Lori:
Hey, I thought Japanese boys were supposed to be really quick…
>Oh god, she's right, but I did mean it! I
love her! What am I going to do? Tell her, insisted a voice in his head. <
Grace:
Hey! Darien has little voices in his head too!
Lori:
Weird how they do a little monologue….
Darien
walked over to Serena, and gently turned her to face him. " Serena, look
at me. ,"
Lori:
<as Serena> Psh, yeah right lover-boy… Damn you! Kissing young innocent
girls without meaning it and then profaning the Lord’s name!
Grace:
Uh, Lori, you’re not affiliated with any religion….
Lori:
Oh yeah! ::holds up a letter from a Jesuit college:: Then why do I have this?
::holds up a letter from a Catholic college:: or this?!
Grace:
::backs away slowly::
He
commanded softly as he guided her face up. Tears were running down her cheeks.
He quickly wiped them away. " Oh, Serena, I did mean it! I
Lori:
…really wanna kiss innocent girls all the time!
..."
< come on tell her< I...I ...l.love...you. I love you, Serena," he
whispered in her ear as he wrapped her in a gentle hug.
Grace:
::whispers while gently hugging the chair in front of her:: I…I …I.think I’m…
going …..to be sick. I think I’m going to be sick Lori…
"What?"
Lori:
He said he wants to shag you!
Grace:
::smacks Lori:: That’s not what he said! He said he likes kissing innocent
girls!
Serena
said shocked. " I love you!" Darien repeated in her ear. Tears welled
up in Serena's eyes, "Oh, Darien, I love you, too!"
Grace:
Wait, how can she figure out she “loves” him! They don’t even know each other!
Lori:
Do you want me to hum again?
Grace:
No, I’m too pissed at the illogicality of these fics.
" You do?" He asked surprised.
Lori:
Yay!
Grace:
Why are you saying yay?
Lori:
Either author-san found the thesaurus, or she has more of a vocabulary than we
thought!
Grace:
Uh… “shocked” and “surprised” do not constitute a wide vocab….
Lori:
Hey, you try to grasp for straws and see what you come up with!
Serena
smiled as she reached her lips to his,
Grace:
Ack! Horrible flashback of X-men!
Lori:
::shudders:: Don’t even wanna think about how that is physically possible…
and
said, " Yes," before her lips caught his.
Lori:
…effectively exacting their revenge….
Grace:
<as Serena’s lips> Mwahahahaha…
**************1
Hour Later***************************************
Grace:
You gotta hand it to author-san..
Lori:
Why?
Grace:
She actually tells us when there’s a glaringly obvious, horribly constructed
scene change…
>
I guess I should check on them. They've been quiet. < Andrew unlocked
the
closet, and opened the door. He smiled widely at the sight before
him.
Serena and Darien were in the middle of the closet making out.
Lori:
And they’re just letting him peep onto their private moment?
Grace:
Um, Lori-chan, I don’t think we can include all the horny Japanese teenagers
into the contest…
Lori:
Hmm, just chalk one up for horny Japanese girls and two for Japanese boys…
Grace:
Wah.. you’re so smart Lori-chan!
He gently shut the door giving them privacy,
and left it unlocked.
Lori:
…so other horny Japanese teenagers could take a look….
Grace:
::bops Lori on the head::
Lori:
Itai….
With a satisfied grin he returned to work
thinking, > they'll come out when
they're
ready! <
Lori:
OMG! Is he just gonna let ‘em shag in his closet like that?!
Grace:
::sweatdrops:: I don’t think they’re gonna shag in his closet…
Lori:
How do you know that?
Grace:
They’ve been kissing in there for an hour and they still have their clothes on..
Lori: Wah! You’re so smart Grace-chan!
*********************THE
END***************************************
Grace:
Don’t move! They’ve got you surrounded!
AN.-
Oh, how sweet!
Lori:
Yes, sex is always—
Grace:
::with her hand over Lori’s mouth:: Where’s your censor?
Anyway,
I hoped you liked it.
Grace:
Hmm, I liked it about as much as I like reading about TK and Kari making out…
Lori:
I liked it about as much as I like Britney Spears… ::smiles::
Please e-mail me at Rainbo1646@cs.com with
your comments!
Lori:
I’m too lazy to e-mail. What about you Grace?
Grace:
Yeah, I’d rather lay down the hurt right now. First, shoddy setup, I mean, they
just happen to have this instinct to kiss each other in a closet?
Lori:
Yeah, and there really was no character development, unless you count the
little voices…
Grace:
And the next time you get a bunch of horny Japanese teenagers together, try to
make it a little less obvious…
Bye!
Both:
Hell yeah!
The two girls exited the theater and
went to relax on the MSTing HQ couch.
“Hey, at least we got out of school
early.” Lori said cheerfully.
Suddenly, a loud booming voice was
heard over the PA. “WELL, WELL, WELL, MINIONS… HOW DID YOU ENJOY YOUR MST?”
For the second time that day, the two
girls found themselves behind the couch.
“COME OUT FROM BEHIND THAT COUCH AND
TELL ME WHAT YOU’VE LEARNED FROM THIS MST SO THAT I MAY PROPERLY SUBJECTIVELY
GRADE YOU!”
Grace and Lori timidly stood in the
middle of the room, trying to think of good BS’d answers.
“I learned that all these fanfics
exist for the sole purpose of creating shallow situations in which one or more
of the anime characters are made to “fall in love” all within their pubescent
stages.” said Grace bitterly.
“And I learned that if you wanna get
some, all you need is a closet, a horny Japanese guy, and a milkshake.” Lori
said. She was promptly smacked by Grace.
“HMM, YOU DON’T SEEM TO BE FAZED. NO
MATTER. I HAVE ALL OF ETERNITY TO PLAY WITH YOUR PITIFUL LITTLE SOULS.
OHOHOHHOOOHOHOH…”
As the two girls were left trembling
from the horrible laugh, Lori suddenly realized something.
“Hey! We have no school for the rest
of the day! WAHOO!” she screamed.
“BY THE WAY, MINIONS, READ THE FIRST
HALF OF CHAPTER 33 AND THE LAST HALF OF CHAPTER 37, AND THEN 847-855 FOR A
GRADED DISCUSSION THAT WE’RE PROBABLY NOT GOING TO HAVE BUT I’LL CALL ON YOU
ANYWAY JUST TO SEE IF YOU READ THE MATERIAL. “
The two girls sighed and hauled out
their big ass history books of doom (aka BAHBOD) and began the tortuous
reading.
E-mail me at earthianchinx@yahoo.com
I’d guess I’d be pretty hypocritical to not ask for flames.
But if you feel you must, then I’ll respect your choice. But first, let me tell
you the story of the Chinese Mafia...