Slayers is property of H. Kanzaka, R. Araizumi, Kadokawa, TV Tokyo, SOFTX, and all other associate companies. MST3K belongs to Best Brains Inc. Any random mention of songs, quotes, etc. are property of the money making machines that put them out. You probably shouldn’t sue me because all you’d be getting is one Rayearth manga, a Slayers Try video and some anime cards.

This story does not belong to me, it is the property of the author. I don’t intend to insult or cut down the author (even though it might seem like I am.) If any of you readers know this person and know that he/she wants it taken down, feel free to e-mail me. I apologize in advance if this offends anyone. (wouldn’t I make a great corporate lawyer?)

So basically, I don’t own squat, I’m a poor Chinese high school student, I’m sorry for offending anyone (even though you should be old enough to not read this if you don’t like this kinda stuff), and I did this out of sheer boredom grounded in the summer season.

Warning: I’ve not seen a single episode of MST3K. So beware of inconsistencies galore! Okay, on with the MST!

It’s a lazy summer’s afternoon. We find our young MSTer, Lori, faithfully reading her summer novel. Let’s take a closer look…

“Zzzzz…”

Uh… as I said, OUR YOUNG MSTER IS ~FAITHFULLY~ READING!!!!!!!!!!

“Ahhhhhhhhh…hahaha! Just a little nap between chapters….” Lori stutters.

Suddenly the phone rings.

“Hello?” asks a groggy Lori.

“Hey Lori, it’s me, Grace. I just wanted to know if you were doing anything. If you’re not, we could go shopping….” comes the reply.

“Um… I’m kinda busy reading my book…” mumbles Lori.

“I’m sorry. Well, as you know, I finished my book already…”

“Don’t rub it in, Grace.” growls Lori.

The conversation seems normal until the girls hear a voice

“HELLO AND GOOD DAY MINIONS!”

“You know, I knew you were around.” Lori says, sighing in defeat.

“Hey, you stole my line!” Grace whines.

“Yeah well, you’re done with your stinky little book so leave me alone.” Lori huffs.

“DID I CATCH YOU TWO AT A BAD TIME? KUKUKUKU. MAYBE I’LL COME BACK LATER WITH ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF THAT CARD CAPTOR SAKURA FIC. WOULD YOU LIKE THAT INSTEAD?”

“Ahahaha….no, it’s ok!” Lori laughs nervously into the phone.

“GOOD.”

The two girls are sent to MSTing HQ where they pop popcorn and head towards the theater.

Both: ::sigh:: We have fanfiction sign.

DOORS

Door 1: It is a door made entirely out of the books on the history summer reading list. You feel the urge to kill Bob, TAMLOD, aka Mr.Smith, TOOG, but you realize he is all mighty and you settle for just burning the bloody door down.

Door 2: It is a door made of cheese. You crinkle your nose at it seeing as how you don’t really like cheese that much. As you stand there contemplating it, the entire cast of Ronin Warriors shows up plus two hyper girls that like cheese. You sweatdrop and move away very carefully.

Door 3: It is not a door. You sigh, obviously the Door-maker’s union decided on another strike. Instead it is a wall of those milk bottles that they have at fairs. You pay a dollar for three wiffle balls. You sweatdrop and try your luck anyway. After trying unsuccessfully at knocking down the bottles you get upset and kick the wall. You limp away to the next door, all the while thinking that you knew those games were fixed.

Door 4: It is a regular door. You’re amazed and you reach out to touch it. But at your touch, the door collapses to reveal an angry mob of the Door-maker’s union members. They scream at you and demand more money while waving their signs in your face. You run….

Door 5: It is an airplane door because the airplane people haven’t gone on strike yet. (well, the pilots have, but not the boeing ppl) You look through the window on the door and see an ugly looking gremlin thing. You scream and point but whenever someone looks out the window, they don’t see anything. And so you are carted off to the crazy house.

Door 6: It is a wall of crayons. You squeal in delight and grab the pretty blue one at the base of the wall. the whole thing comes down and you quietly mourn the loss of the pretty blue one which is now lost under the sea of crayons. You step over the large pile and enter the theater.

I’m using my fathers computer so I can post this
Part.

Lori: Aww, how thoughtful of you!

Grace: NOT!

Hope you’ll like it.

Grace: Lady, it’s number seven, what do you think?

Well Enjoy.

Lori: Lady, it’s number seven, what do you think?

Ha det bra/Akikka
______________________________________________________________________

Lori:……

Grace: By the gods! We’ve run out of riffs for the freaking line!!!!

Part 7

Lori:… of INFINITY!

After a week they retched the temple

Grace: Well, I suppose if you can retch a fountain, you can retch a temple…

and Kim had been weary nervous
the last two days.

Lori: …because she ‘tawt she saw a putty tat….

She hadn’t said much and she had drawn a lot
of
pic but no one had seen them.

Grace: OMG! The grammar! It’s…. correct!!!! Puahahahahahah…..

Lori: YES! In your face Bob! She’s getting better!

Bob: ::throws lightening at the seat next to Lori::

Lori: …..

Zel was starting to get worried and had
tried to talk to her but she didn’t answer his questions. So he
decided to let her be.

Lori: ::singing:: please release me, let me be….

Grace: if only Bob would be so kind…

- How is she doing Lina?
- Not good.

Grace: ::with hand over Lori’s mouth:: AHAH!!!!! I get to say it now!!! Puahahah! ::points the all mighty finger of grammar (TAMFOG… you were expecting anything less?) at author-san:: It’s “well” and not “good”!

She still not eating or speaking. I wonder if this is
going to work at all?
- It must. She won’t be able to do this much longer.

Lori: Ugh, at least my mind is so numb from these person-less dialogues that I know who’s talking and it no longer confuses me…~insane giggle~

Kim was sitting on a rock when she suddenly felt a couple of hands
over her eyes.

Grace: …and then a booming voice yelling “Shut your face and know your place little girl! Get off of me!”….

Lori: That was baaaaaaaad, man. You sank lower than the directors of the Mummy 2 who used the Rock as a meaningless cameo….

Grace: Hey, you try coming up with a good riff! These readers are dying out there!

- Guess ho lover.

Lori: Guess ho: the less familiar line in the Guess brand for the millions of hootchies out there.

Grace: As the jingle goes: It takes good money to look that trashy!

She heard an unfamiliar male voice and was startled.

Grace: …by the depth and understanding in that deep, resoundingly sexy voice…

Lori: uh… Grace… not a Sailor Sappy fic where people just randomly fall in love with other people….

Grace: Ah well, it was worth a shot…

- Wha.. She couldn’t say anything more because the man was
kissing
her. She managed to throw the man away

Lori: Please ladies, to avoid these ugly scenes of confrontation and for the sake of the environment, recycle, don’t throw away those unwanted guys that randomly kiss you.

and started to scream.

Lori: ::starts to scream, pointing at the ghoul from Scream 2 that showed up in a theater ^_^; ::

Grace: ::baps Lori and kicks the ghoul:: And you mocked my meaningless cameo…

The other Slayers heard her and ran to her, and were surprised to se a
man at the other side of the rode. The man was knocked out and Kim
was standing and was looking weary angry.

Grace: Grace was knocked out…

Lori: …and Lori was standing and was looking just weary…

- Kim what’s wrong. Zel finally managed to ask after a few
moments.
- That creep snuck up from behind and covered my eyes and then kissed
me.
- What? Zel said and stared at the man.

Lori: ::opens mouth but stops:: I….I… can’t do that riff one more time!!!!

Grace: ::hums Aerosmith’s “Jaded” in the background::

- You herd me.

Grace:: Zel, you animal…..herder….

- Hey Amelia what was that for? The man said and got to his feet and
started to walk to her. She immediately went to hide behind Zel and
the man stopped when he saw the chimera and the others.
- Is this your friend’s you were talking about before?
- Ho the hell are you? Kim asked whit Zel as her shield.
- You don’t remember me? For gods sake I’m your boyfriend.

Lori: ::drops her jaw and stares::

Grace: Woah, wouldn’t it suck if the next 36 lines were in this format….

Everyone
dropped their jaws and just stared.
- Your Amelia’s boyfriend? Lina asked still starring at the man.
- Yes. I’m prince Dereck Morrvilde.
- How long haw you been seeing each other then?

Grace: ::points to the previous line:: Who said this one?

Lori: Well, I think the Swedish girl said it… you can tell by the “haw.”

Grace: oooooooooh….but… didn’t Lina just—

Lori: Grace, just assign the roles. They don’t need to be logical, please, for our sanities…

- About seven months. But I been away fore quite some time.
- Well I got some news fore you prince Dereck. I’m not Amelia.
I’m
Kimberly Ohmsford.
- But why do you look like Amelia then?
- Oh no not again. Why must this happen to me?

Lori: ::grinds her teeth:: She did NOT just ask that question…

Grace: Um, didn’t she wish to be sent to the Slayers’ world for her birthday…

Lori: ::grind grind grind::

- Excuse me, what did you say?
- Nothing. Well if you just wait until later I’ll explain.
- What do you mean? Kim just ignored him and turned to Xellos.

Grace: What the….

Lori: Hey! If he has the power to JUST APPEAR OUT OF THE BLUE like that, maybe we have the power to DISAPPEAR! Let’s try it! ::tries and fails::

- Are you ready Xellos?
- Yes, and you?
- I’m as ready as I’ll ever bee.
- Ok let get to work then shall we.
- Ok. Zel I hope that you won’t be disappointed whit me.
- I cod newer bee that.

Lori: …grammatically incorrect…

Grace: …in love with animals that it would cause me to use them in sentences all the time….

I love you.
- I love you to. She gave him a kiss and went to the temple whit
Xellos ho

Grace: …who was wearing his brand spanking new hootchie-wear from the Guess ho line…

was leading the way. Zel and the other

Lori: …disenchanted elves of the retched temple…

Grace: …missing link…

came after them to
see what was going to happen. Xellos told Kim to stand in the middle
of the symbol on the floor.
- What now?
- Drink the potion and just stand there.

Grace: …and whatever you do, don’t make anymore wishes!

- Ok.... juck, this stuff taste awful. She made a face and then sat
the empty bottle on the floor.
- Ok, you know that your body will look exactly like the one in you
world right.

Lori: Hey Grace, you know what’s going to happen?

Grace: Um, by some Bob-given miracle, Xellos will kill off “Kimberly” and we’ll be set free?

Lori: No! This body separation thing means that the series is coming to an end!!! YES!

- Yes. Hey Xellos I’m beginning to feel dizzy.
- Then we know it works.

Grace: <Xellos> If it stings, that only means it’s working….

Lori: <Amelia> No… no stinging, just blessed numbness…

I’ll start now.
- Ok. She forced herself to stand still, trying to ignore the
dizziness she felt.

Xellos began to chant and his staff began to glow. Kim was surrounded
by a red light. And after a while she began to tremble and scream.
Zel tried to run to her but Lina and Gourry held him back.
- Xellos stop you are hurting her.
- Zel stop. If you interfere now you’ll ruin everything. Lina
said
and looked at her worried friend.
The scream began to split in to two, one a little higher, the one
that belong to Amelia, and one lower that belonged to Kim. At the
left of Amelia there was a body beginning to take form. After about
five minutes of painful screams two bodies fell to the floor whit a
thud. The right one, Amelia, stood up first and looked around and saw
Dereck and ran towards him and embraced him.

Lori: Wow, now that Amelia is separated from Kim and is no longer an obstacle to Kim and Zel’s love because she has a boyfriend… hey! Wait a minute…

- I didn’t think that I ever see you again. Don’t leave me
again
promise me that.
- I promise that I’ll never leave you again. Then they kissed.

Grace: ::gapes at the screen:: What a cheesy plot device! Man, author-san has absolutely no idea what the real series is like, does she?

Lori: Screw the plot device! We’ve arrived at yet another abruptly poor excuse for a cliffhanger!

Hope you liked it. More to com...soon I hope. =^_^=

Lori: As always, author-san, please, for the love of Bob, take your sweet time!

Grace: Oooookay, aside from the random people appearing in the fic…. the grammar got a little better….

Lori: Yeah, but the never-ending stream of indiscernible dialogue more than compensated for the improvement.

Grace: The conveniently shallow “boyfriend” of Amelia’s was a low blow. Which circles back to the original time-space continuum of this fic. ~ehem~ ::pulls out chalkboard:: IF Ame-chan really had a boyfriend, why was she traveling around with Lina and the others, who usually go on looooooong trips as Ame is ~sure~ to know, she has to have been royally involved ,etc. to have found a princely boyfriend.

Lori: Yeah, and how could Lina not have known if Ame had a boyfriend! I mean, Lina usually has info and stuff! So, if Lina and the others had been traveling with Ame, they would have known about Prince D.

Grace: Which brings me to my ultimate conclusion: This fic makes no sense at all! I’m so confused I have chibi Zels and Amelias/Kims circling my head!

Lori: Well, I came to the ultimate conclusion that this fic serves the sole purpose of giving author-san extreme gratification by placing herself in the infamous “fantasy of self-insertion fics (FOSIF)” zone, making this an extremely shallow and flaky series of epic lengths.

The two girls walk out of the theater, leaning on each other.

“Geez, I don’t think I can take much more of this!” Lori exclaims.

“Yeah.” Grace mutters, while fidgeting. “Uh, Lori, I have bad news… “ she starts.

Lori narrows her eyes and asks cautiously, “Yeah, what is it?”

Grace gulps nervously. “I think there are 13 parts…”

“SO MINIONS, HOW’D YOU ENJOY MY LITTLE SUMMER SURPRISE?HMM, I GOT A REAL KICK OUT OF WATCHING YOU TWO STRUGGLE FOR HUMOR! MWAHAHAHA. YOU’RE JUST LUCKY THAT THIS PART IS THE LAST ONE I WAS ABLE TO FIND… BUT THAT ONLY MEANS OTHER OUTLETS OF PAIN ARE OPEN TO ME. I LOOK FORWARD TO THE NEXT FIC….”

Lori becomes perky the moment Bob’s presence is no longer detected. “Yes! This is great! He doesn’t know about the rest of the series!”

Grace sweatdrops and mentions the oh-so-obvious. “Lori, he could be lulling us into a false sense of security. I mean, he IS evil and all that. And that rant sounded so serious.. threatening even. It was nowhere near the ludicrous crap he usually throws at us.”

Lori shrugs and waves it off. “All that false sense of security stuff happens only to tragic heroes and possibly government spies.”

Sighing, Grace resigns herself to enjoy what she can before the next fic while Lori goes off to find Barron’s notes that that pesky summer reading.

And so, all is right with the universe and the space-time continuum once again.

E-mail me at earthianchinx@yahoo.com

I’d guess I’d be pretty hypocritical to not ask for flames. But if you feel you must, then I’ll respect your choice. But first, let me tell you the story of the Chinese Mafia...