Sailor Moon is copyright Naoko Takeuchi and all other companies. MST3K belongs to Best Brains Inc. Any random mention of songs, quotes, etc. are property of the money making machines that put them out. You probably shouldn’t sue me because all you’d be getting is one Rayearth manga, a Slayers Try video and some anime cards.

This story does not belong to me. It is property of Special K. I don’t intend to insult or cut down the author (even though it might seem like I am.) If any of you readers know Special K and know that he/she wants it taken down, feel free to e-mail me. I apologize in advance if this offends anyone. (wouldn’t I make a great corporate lawyer?)

So basically, I don’t own squat, I’m a poor Chinese high school student, I’m sorry for offending anyone (even though you should get your ass outta here if you don’t like this kinda stuff), and I did this out of sheer boredom instead of doing a project assigned to us for the summer.

Warning: I’ve not seen a single episode of MST3K. So beware of inconsistencies galore! Okay, on with the MST!

Lori sighed. “Man, this is going to be a boring day, huh, Grace. I mean, there’s nothing to do…no school work, no noth-“

Lori’s casual comment was cut off by Grace’s hand.

“Sh!” Grace hissed, “ Do you want Bob, TAMLOD, aka Mr. Smith, TOOG, aka one of the people who came up with that oh-so-wonderful reading assignment for the summer, aka torturer of all souls that want to do nothing, aka-“

“I get the point Grace.” Lori said. “ Yeesh, people can’t just casually comment nowadays, can they?”

“ Not without a certain SOMEONE who is an extreme voyeur….”

Just then, a screen popped up right in front of Lori’s face. She fell back and started twitching from shock.

“WELL, MINIONS, HOW HAS YOUR DAY BEEN?”

“ Psh, as if you cared you heartless bas-“ Lori’s ‘casual comment’ was muffled yet again by Grace’s hand. “Your hands had better be clean.”

“ They’re only as clean as the mouth they cover...“

“WELL. SINCE YOU DIDN’T ANSWER MY QUESTION, I’LL ASSUME THAT YOU ARE FINE AND YOU ARE HEALTHY ENOUGH TO “ENJOY” ANOTHER SAILOR SAPPY FANFIC.”

Suddenly in the background a strange high-pitched voice could be heard.

“Mr. Smith, are you sure that the Three Gorges Dam isn’t near Hong Kong? And I STILL can’t find Kenya!”

Lori paled and said, “I know that voice…oh my god! It’s that girl that was in our geography class! AHHH! She’s gone to the dark side!!! NO!”

Grace then muttered, “You know, as hard as I’m trying right now, I just can’t feel sorry for her.”

“Yeah, but, I don’t want the readers to think I’m completely evil.”

“…THE MAP IS RIGHT NEXT TO YOU! LOOK, THE COUNTRIES ARE LABELED…”

“You know, I think I actually feel sorry for him! No! Grace, quick, stop my pity!” Lori sobbed.

“…NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! HONG KONG IS IN THE SOUTH! YES, AWAY FROM THE NORTH, NO, DOWN, NOT UP…”

“Aren’t you proud of me Bob, TAMLOD, aka Mr. Smith, TOOG? Last night I watched a news program!”

“YES, I’M VERY PROUD…WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT A MAP OF THE MIDDLE EAST?! WE’RE TRYING TO FIND KENYA!…NATALIE!!!…”

“Crap, I’m starting to feel sorry for him too, let’s just start with the fanfic already.” Grace muttered.

The two sweatdropping girls exited the pitiful scene quietly…

BOTH: We have fanfiction sign!

DOORS

Door 1: There isn’t a door, instead, there’s a myriad (^_^) of yellow police tape blocking the entrance. In the background, you can see cops chasing after people with cameramen following in suit. You don’t really feel like getting shot at so you move on.

Door 2: It is a door that is covered in a collage commemorating the anime Pokemon. Your anger rises and you slowly take out your Sharpie© and begin to replace every “catch” with “kill.” After you’ve had your fill of vandalism, you move on.

Door 3: It is a wall. You ponder this for a while until you see a sign that says “Look down”. You do and see a hatch. To be honest, you’re too damn lazy to climb down so you move on.

Door 4: It’s not a door, but rather, an Ash© punching bag (only Ash, b/c Misty and Brock are cool, and you haven’t seen enough of Tracy to hate him, and Pikachu is just too cute) You thank the gods and begin your kick boxing lessons…

Door 5: It is not a door (You wonder if they’re having a shortage of doors) instead it’s a shrine to Bob, TAMLOD, aka Mr. Smith, TOOG. You immediately scream bloody murder and then you take out your Sharpie© and have a little fun. After you’ve thoroughly desecrated the shrine, you feel a bit woozy due to the countless pictures of the Overlord. You decide to move on before you puke.

Door 6: It is yet another anime collage door. You cringe but upon closer inspection, the collage is made up entirely of Tasuki pics. You lovingly embrace the door, kiss a super kawaii pic of Tasuki, and then enter.

Lori: Grace, I have a very bad feeling about this fic.

Grace: Why? I mean, it’s not like you read it before hand RIGHT?

Lori: Hai, Grace-sama!

Grace: Good. Now, about that last door…

Lori: ::Sighs:: Didn’t you love it? I have to admit that I was kind of miffed because they stole the door off my closet, but in the end I think it was worth it. Don’t you?

Grace: Whatever, where’s my Ryo-collage-door?!

Lori: ::pouts:: Hey, you got to make out with him last time, it’s only fair that I get a Tasuki door!

Grace: ::sighs:: I just remembered this is a Sailor Sappy Fanfic©

Lori: I can’t believe we have to sit through this crap.™

Grace: ……

Hi everyone. This is my first fanfic for me to actually post because I'm

chicken.

Lori: Nani? Tori? Wai!

Grace: I didn’t know chickens were intelligent until I saw Chicken Run. That movie changed my life.

Hopefully this doesn't suck too bad.

Lori: The author just read my mind…

Just maybe yawl

Grace: Woah, we live in Texas and even we don’t spell that horribly…

would spare my

already broken heart and sit around long enough to start it.

Lori: Yeah well, we could sneak out of here seeing as how Bob, TAMLOD, aka Mr. Smith, TOOG, is “occupied” with is guest.

Grace: But the readers need us to MST this fic.

Lori: So I guess we really have no choice author-san.

"Life without love is a life not worth living for." A very special friend

once told me.

Lori: …And this has something to do with the fic because….

So on with the show, enjoy, I hope.

Grace: ::mutters:: That makes one of us…

"Serena honey your friend is here." Irene called up the steps to

her daughter. "Coming Ma."

Lori: Ma! Me ‘n Billy Bob’s a goin’ ta play in traffic!

Grace:<as Ma>: Alrighty! Jes’ be back by supper! Your beans ‘n cornbread’ll get cold!

Serena called back from her junky room.

Lori: as opposed to her cleany room, where she spends many a night thinking about Mr. Sparkle.

"What's up?" Sammy asked Darien giving him a high five.

"A noogie." Darien said playfully grabbing Sammy and making him yelp,

holding his fist up towards

Grace:..the sky and saying “ As God is my witness, I shall never go hungry again!”

Lori: What is this? Southern Theme Day?

his very tender head since yesterday.

"Dad make him stop!" Sammy yelled, kicked, and whined at once.

Lori: Introducing Sammy 5.0! Do you want eating and watching TV at the same time? Listening to radio and doing homework at the same time? Sammy 5.0 can do it because he has a special microchip to multitask almost anything! Buy today!

"Darien give him one for me." Ken said slightly grinning,

letting a small chuckle escape his lips, going

back to his newspaper as Serena ran down the steps. She was wearing

some baggy denim blue jeans, a loose fitting blue shirt, a dark loose fitting

denim blue jacket, a pair of black leather timberland boots,

a black hat, and a thin gold chain

Grace: Can we say “thug”?

Lori: Yes, yes we can…

(a lot of clothes huh?).

Lori: No! Of course not! Why would you say such a thing?

Grace: Maybe because author-san just spent an entire paragraph describing Serena’s ghetto clothing..

"What's up my Road-dog?"

Lori: ::falls over laughing into the theater aisle:: OH MY GOD!!! hahaha! “What’s up my Road-dog”?! What kind of ludicrous excuse for a nickname is that?!

Grace: ::giggles while picturing Darien as a “road-dog”:: (anyone remember that show?)

She asked Darien, giving him their special handshake,

that was a minute long.

Grace: It took her a minute to give him a handshake?

Lori: Must have been packaged very precisely and expensively so you have to handle it with care.

Grace: ::nods at Lori’s wise observation::

"Why do you have on what I have on?" Darien asked

Grace: <as announcer> Today on Jerry Springer: Shocking lives and the people who lead them!

Lori:<Jerry> Today we take a peek into the lives of people that lead shocking lives. Here with us today is Serena. Hello Serena, nice to have you with us today.

Grace:<as Serena> Hello Jerry, nice to be here.

Lori: <Jerry> I understand you have a shocking confession to make to your very good friend, Darien.

Grace:<as Serena> Yes. I’ve been living a shocking life as a cross-dresser, and I’m here today to tell him that.

Audience: Gasp! Boo! You tramp!

Lori: <Jerry> Okay, let’s bring him out!

ENTER DARIEN

Lori: <Jerry> Hello Darien, nice to have you on the show today. Do you know why you were brought here?

Grace:<as Darien> Yes, my friend Serena has something to tell me.

Lori: <Jerry> Serena, why don’t you tell him.

Grace: <as Serena> Darien…I have a confession to make. ::takes a deep breath:: You know how we always seem to dress alike. Well the truth is, for the last 10 years of my life, I’ve been a cross dresser.

Lori:<as Darien> ::sits there in shock:: So you mean, our friendship is a lie? You didn’t think you could’ve trusted me with a secret like that, you B*^%H?! ::leaps for Serena’s throat:: @#*%& $#^*$^@#&$^%@#$^&*& $&^@#)$^ @#$^(@)* !!

Audience: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Lori: <as Serena> You never took the time to notice much less ask you ::BEEP:: BEEEEEEEP:: ::BEEP:: ::BEEEEEEEEEEEP::!!!

Audience: Boo! Hiss! ::BEEP::

Grace: <as Serena> ::yelling over the audience and Darien’s cussing:: And you know what?! I’m ::BEEP:: Sailor Moon! ::BEEP:: And I know that you’re Tuxedo Mask! At least I notice these :BEEP:: things!

her a little bit amused by how they seemed to dress a

like without consulting

Lori: …a drug counselor..

or telling one another

what they were going to wear. Serena grinned sheepishly

"Great minds think a like." She said shrugging her shoulders.

" Oh well, come lets go before we 're late. "He told her,

shoving his toast down and forcing her out of the door.

Grace: Wow, what a guy! He brought his own toast to her house! Isn’t that sweet?

Lori: I think that Springer riff really got to your head…

"But my toast." Serena whined. "No come on." He told her with more force.

Lori: <as Obi Wan> Use the force Darien. Don’t let her get her toast.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grace: Wow! what a pretty scene change line!

Lori: Wow what a calm ocean!

Grace: ::gulps:: I forgot to tell you, I get sea sick…::turns green::

Lori: But it’s calm, Grace! You better not do it on my shoes!! Ack!

Home room sucks. "Serena sighed, fidgeting with her pencil.

"Yeah, that's if you don't do your homework." Darien started to smile.

Lori:… but he didn’t get to finish because just then, the mother ship came and took him away again!

Grace:<as Braveheart> FREEEEEEEEEEEEDOM!!

"Hey I do, do my homework, it just magically disappear."

Grace: Just like the ‘s’ on the end of that ‘disappear’…

What do you think?

Lori: EH?! That’s the end? Geez, I didn’t even see it coming! what a crappy ending!

Grace: Was that supposed to be a cliffhanger?

Lori: Oh well I think it wasn’t too bad, I mean, we weren’t screaming and running for the doors right?

Grace: Hmm, it seems kind of odd, this one wasn’t that bad….

Lori: SH! Practice what you preach, Grace! Remember..a certain voyeur…

Grace: ::cringes:: Hai, Lori-sama!

Yes, I do accept cruel comments too.

BOTH: Do the patented Kouji and Tasuki Happy Dance. Yay!

Grace: Ok! I don’t know if this is the ghetto NA version or what, but please! Don’t make Japanese character ‘try’ to act ‘American’….

Lori: Oh yeah, next time, try to have more character development other than describing clothing, how long it takes to give a handshake, and ::chokes:: ‘pet names’.

Grace: ::groans:: Now THAT was a bad pun… oh yeah, author-san’s spelling wasn’t too bad, but a plot would be nice… and maybe a little background, a warning that this is a strange parallel universe would be fine.

If any of you are still out there

Lori: ::looks around at the empty theater::

Grace: Well, I guess it’s just us…

you can or could

Lori:

1. can-

a. Used to indicate physical or mental ability: I can carry both suitcases. Can you remember the war?

b. Used to indicate possession of a specified power, right, or privilege: The President can veto congressional bills.

c. Used to indicate possession of a specified capability or skill: I can tune the harpsichord as well as play it.

could (kd)
v. aux. Past tense of can¹.

1. Used to indicate ability, possibility, or permission in the past: I could run faster then. It could be no better at that time. Only men could go to the club in those days.

2. Used with hypothetical or conditional force: If we could help, we would.

3. Used to indicate tentativeness or politeness: I could be wrong. Could you come over here?

Grace: ::sweatdrops:: erm…thanks, I think…

Lori: Oh, don’t thank me, thank the good people at dictionary.com!

reach me at

HotButtaTisha@.com I know it's kind of weird. Thank you.

Grace: Well, you’re welcome author-san, for acknowledging the weirdness of your e-mail address…

Lori: I don’t know about you, but I really wanna get out of here…

The two girls get up and exit the theater.

“SO HOW WAS IT? DID YOU ENJOY MY PRESENT?”

“Um, yeah, it was nice..”

“Yeah, it was great…”

Bob, TAMLOD, aka Mr. Smith, TOOG, looked closely at the girls…

“HMM, YOU TWO DON’T SEEM FAZED, PALE, OR BROKEN…”

Lori instantly paled at the thought of what THAT comment meant. Grace crumpled to the ground and began to look broken.” I knew it was too good to be true.” she whimpered.

“WELL, I CAN SEE YOU NEED YOUR REST, UNTIL NEXT TIME MINIONS.”

“Oh man, now I know something is amiss, he didn’t go on his usual tirade about how he was going to break us and all that stuff about <<OPERATION BREAKAGE>>.” Lori said concerned.

“I wonder what he has up his slee-“ Grace stopped when she saw the MST HQ’s kitchen table pile with books.

“Oh my ::BEEP:: ::BEEEEEEEEP::!” Lori screamed. “NOT THAT! IT’S A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH!”

“What do you mean?” Grace queried.

“You’ll see.” Lori said, exhausted.

Suddenly, the MST HQ’s doorbell rang.

“And it starts.” muttered Lori.

Grace went to answer the door. It was Natalie, Bob’s faithful sycophant.

“Hey guys, how’s it going? Well, it doesn’t matter because in a few seconds it won’t be going so well. You may have noticed that today’s fic wasn’t as bad as some of the others. Well, just between you and me, Bob hasn’t been having a good day and as a slip up he sent you a relatively ok one. But, to make up for it, he’s sending you a present. Natalie stepped aside to reveal that girl who’s name Lori could never remember.

“Hi,” she said in that oh-so-chirpy-voice, “I’m here for my geography tutoring…”

Lori got on her knees and screamed, “Damn you Bob, damn you!”

Grace sank down next to Lori and sighed, “It’s gonna be a long night..”

Natalie, the sycophant, quietly left and headed back to Bob’s HQ, aka Bellaire’s basement, to see if she could do more brown-nosing before the sun set.

E-mail me at earthianchinx@yahoo.com

I’d guess I’d be pretty hypocritical to not ask for flames. But if you feel you must, then I’ll respect your choice. Now, let me tell you the story of the Chinese Mafia...